For the past 18 months I have realized my weaknesses with my title of Mommy. I hope you find that you too can reflect on your time spent training a small human while reading my list.
Baby Talk: I spent so much time cursing before having Chloe. Times when things weren't going well. Times when dropping the "f" bomb was used to give proper emphasis on my story. Now I have to watch what I say so the parrot doesn't pick it up. NOW! Now when using colorful language is truly needed to air my frustrations to my husband, tell my friends how she pooped in the tub again, or exclaim to the world that my baby is the f*cking cutest baby in the world. Now my favorite words have been taken from me and replaced with "frisbee", "coconuts", "shish-ka-bob", and "sun on the beach", which, lets be honest, don't exactly paint a clear picture. Since my daughter drops her binky and mutters, "Oh shit!" while she picks it up I'm guessing that my mouth could use a bit more Orbit Gum.
Car Seat Crush: One of my biggest anxieties as a parent stems from the car. Over the summer it seemed someone was locking their children in cars every week. I triple checked my car after dropping her off at daycare for months. Now my fears have turned to proper restraint in the car seat. The other day my husband and I were putting Chloe in my car and he was shocked at how tight the straps were. Apparently I was way over-doing it and I wondered why she told me, "no,no,no." whenever I made her become a contortionist to get the straps in place.
Sippy Cups: What rubix cube solving sun on the beach created these toddler cups? I stand at the sink for hours trying to get them clean, shoving q-tips and nipple brushes into the impossible crevices. Finally giving up on trying to dry them I have to play the world's toughest matching game and try to piece them back together. Fill them up for the screaming child and watch in amazement as six ounces of apple juice dribble down her chin, splashing on her chest, and soaking the floor. Thankfully the husband is an expert. I knew a man developed them.
Bath Fizzies (not the fun kind): Without fail my daughter will poop in the tub at least twice a week. For those who don't have kids or who aren't in the know about the level of sanitation that is required with children: pooping in the tub requires immediate child removal and a lot of bleach. When she has a diaper on she is the loudest pooper. The world knows she's going with every grunt, as the face reddens and she pops a squat. Place her naked butt in a tub and one second she's pouring water from one cup to the other and the next second a milky way floats by. She has done this so often I ask her all the time if she has to poop, she responds with "ok", and I place her tiny hiney on the toilet seat. There she kicks her feet, smiles, and says, "bath", I ask if she has to go, she says firmly, "NO!". Back in the tub she goes and I hold my breath and hope she's right. Of course, she never leaves a floater in the tub when there's two toys in there. She likes the entire tub filled with all of her bathtime toys before she will release her bowels. Again, lots of bleach!
Dancing Do-Do: I must be the world's worst dancer. Chloe has all of my mannerisms; she stands the way I do, she walks the way I do, and therefore I'm assuming she dances the way I do. She pumps her fist in the air, followed by a flailing of the arms. Then bends at the knees and shakes her butt in chicken dance style. Maybe a few spins, stomp the feet, a jump or two and then run in a large circle. I dance along with her until I'm struck with the realization that she looks adorable dancing like a fool. I do not!
TV Time: We have the television on mostly for background noise as we cook dinner, play on the floor or clean up. Chloe isn't a couch potato by any means so quit judging. If it's not on a music channel it is on Disney Junior. My husband will usually tuck Chloe into bed for the night. Hours after she's said her good nights I find myself watching Sofia the First, Mickey Mouse Club House or Jake and The Neverland Pirates, not Octonauts though I don't like that show. Billy will return from Chloe's room and says something like, "What has Captain Hook done this time?" and I snap back to reality and change the channel. He thinks it's funny. Are my days taking that much out of me that I become a mindless drone at the sound of chipper music, witty dialogue and colorful pictures that make up the Disney Junior channel or are these shows just that good (except the Octonauts)? It's hard to tell.
Those are the faults I have found thus far into my lifetime as Chloe's Mommy. I hope that was enlightening to those of you holding a sleeping infant or a reminder to those that are listening to a mouthy teenager. To everyone else, Keep your humor! I'm here to tell you that your sanity goes at the same rate your child grows. You have to laugh when you can.
No comments:
Post a Comment